Of Cowards and Romance.

During late night reveries it becomes particularly clear that every choice that I’ve made in life has had some consequence. These decisions can render small, seemingly insignificant consequences or can be life changing ‘turning points’. The capacity for one small decision to have such an impact will always amaze me. I wonder how the course of my life would have been affected had I chosen a different university to attend, or to the contrary, had I not pursued a higher education at all. Would I be the same person, with the same values? I could go on for pages and pages with questions like these. But the question that most intrigues me, the one that keeps me awake, is what would have happened if I never got the courage to introduce myself to him.

I had always been shy, particularly when confronted with new people. I did not go out of my way to be friendly, although I would have certainly if I were not stopped by some obscure insecurity. This all changed on move in day to Chico State. After a physically and emotionally trying day of lugging bedding and books into my room, entirely alone for the first time in my life, I longed to stretch out on my new bed with a book and call it a day. If not for a friend’s urging to leave the comfort zone that was my small stuffy dorm room I probably would have.

I complied with these strict orders that I must speak to at least five people by the end of the night, venturing out to that “getting to know you” luau, popular with RA’s the world around. It was not an easy task, yet I introduced myself to several people, although I was not particularly interested in them nor vice versa. Giving up hope of discovering a kindred spirit I prepared to head up to my room. Then, remembering my promise and feeling guilty of cowardice I decided to approach one more person, a tall boy leaning against a lamp post, watching a comical dodge ball game. Conversation was awkward at first, as always, but an understanding formed between the two of us, some form of magic. From that day on we have been inseparable. I remember all of the experiences we’ve shared, experiences which I would never have known if I had not summoned up the courage to speak to this stranger, this mysterious boy who has shaped my life in ways I do not quite understand.

As I recalled this memory, this ‘turning point’ as Stevens, the butler of Kazuo Ishiguro’s novel The Remains of the Day, would call it, I realize that Stevens and I, once again, have more in common than I would like to admit. I’ve labeled myself as previously possessing an “obscure insecurity” which made it difficult to socialize, to make connections with others. Stevens has this exact quality himself. He was forced, in a manner of speaking, to erase his personality and sense of self to accommodate the fine characteristics that a butler of high stature must embody. Therefore, without a sense of self other than the costume of the dignified butler, Stevens also possesses an “obscure insecurity” which acts as a barrier between himself and others.

This barrier is particularly obvious when viewed in the context of his relationship with Ms. Kenton. During the scene that we viewed in class where Ms. Kenton attempts to warm up to him, curious about the novel he was reading, he puts up this barrier. Embarrassed to be seen participating in an activity which is not immediately ‘butler-like’ he becomes insecure, pushing Ms. Kenton away. Stevens reflects that this may have been a turning point, yet he rationalizes his actions using his standard mask of professionalism. Stevens did not have the courage to break out, to make use of this opportunity to connect with Ms. Kenton. Understand I am in no way calling Stevens a coward. Perhaps it takes more courage to face losing the person you love, knowing that you missed your opportunity rather than living blissfully in love.

I find it difficult to believe that Stevens made the ‘right choice’, but then again I am a hopeless romantic. For Stevens, it probably was the correct decision. In the end, his love affair was with his work, not with Ms. Kenton.